It's Kind Of A Funny Story - book review

This book was awesome!! I know i wrote about it before, but with school and everything i just now finished it! I could totally relate to the characters even though it was geared toward a younger demographic. My mom and boyfriend both want to read it now to get some insight into how i feel/felt since i keep saying that Vizzini is spot on! with the exception that it is from the mind of a teenage boy! I <3 this book and i think you will too!

You Hear a Cry for Help...but No One Answers

What happens when you cry out for help but no one is there to answer? This is my problem this holiday season. I can usually talk out my feelings to my parents or boyfriend, but no one is available. When i try to approach them, all i hear are sighs and exhaustion. How are you suppose to talk to someone when that's how they respond to you? That is like slamming the door in my face before i even knock. I'm trying to not bother anyone unless it is necessary, but with the stress of the holiday season, i'm left out to dry. I'm not upset, but my feelings are hurt. If i was in a more serious state, the only way i would know how to call for help would be to hurt myself. luckily i'm past that phase, but my emotions are bruised severely.

If the doctor said it...it must be true

The doctor says that i'm getting better and really improving so it must be true right? If it is true then why are I not leaping for joy? My conclusion is that i'm so used to being depressed that i don't know how to not be. It is normal for me to NOT feel "normal." I guess this isn't completely ridiculous since i've been going through this personal roller coaster for the past decade. Don't get me wrong a large part of me is saying "Wow! I've come so far...I'm proud of me!" ...not to seem too self centered. So for now, i'm going to be proud of myself and try to leap for joy. I figure I'll get used to being "normal" eventually.

Keep Calm & Carry On

I came across this while browsing the urban outfitters (UO) website and thought..."Thats a great saying! It can totally apply to me and what i'm going through!" so i thought i would share it with you! Then i thought, "Wow...is it sad that I need a slogan to keep in mind because i'm so anxious." but oh well...whatever works right?

This poster was originally produced by the British government in 1939 during the start of WWII to raise the moral of the public under the threat of invasion. It was never used and few people knew of it. Luckily it was rediscovered in 2000 and has been re-issued to private companies which explains how UO got a hold of it!

3 Weeks of Misery

The Migraine Monster strikes again!! It has been 3 weeks of nausea and dizziness! On my scale I’ve been a 6-9 on the dizzy and nausea scale!! I keep thinking when will this all end everyday for the past 3 weeks!! It has been a rollercoaster ride. I've been great at keeping a cool head and just dealing with the situation at hand, however, that all ended yesterday! Yesterday, upon feeling like a 9 all around I didn’t want to go to therapy because I felt like I should save myself for tutoring later in the day! My mom made me and when I got upset on the car ride there (I’m not driving at the moment…too dizzy) she turned around and came back home. I slammed the car door, slammed the house door and scared the dog, then slammed my bedroom door. When I got sick of sitting there I got even more upset and took my keys to leave. I had to re-park my mom’s car first and in the process I hit it on a brick wall. I scarped up the back bumper! Then my mom took my purse and I threw the laundry on the ground and squashed a squash in the middle of the kitchen. When I got my purse back and took off. By now I was crying hysterically and ended up pulling over. On my very short drive I went from anger to fear in about 5 seconds. I was scared to come home and face the repercussions. I’m a 24-year-old woman throwing a tantrum and messed up my mom’s car! I’m very sorry for my actions and am paying for the car damage. However, the thing that worries me the most is I didn’t know how upset I was! The rage and frustration came out of nowhere! I guess I still have a lot of learning to do on my journey back to health.

My Sick Scale

This is my scale of how i feel. It has helped my family understand the severity of symptoms without a whole lot of talking. My doctors even get it! I hope this helps you!

0 = no symptoms
1 = slightly symptomatic
2 =
3 = Feeling bad but can still function on a normal level
4 =
5 = feeling bad but can still sit around and be somewhat pleasant
6 =
7 = Feeling bad but not horrible
8 = Feeling horrible and need to lay down
9 = Feeling horrible & possibly need to sleep to escape the symptom
10 = laid out, can't function, possibly in the hospital

See what works for you and feel the scale out! Make it your own.

When I Was Happiest

Today while watching Oprah I had an epiphany...The last time I was consistently happy in life was when i was about 12-13. Then i realized that was about a decade ago! What brought about my epiphany was watching the backstreet boys perform again! Yes, I loved them and singing their songs makes me feel like that 13 year old girl again. Now i wasn't that screaming fan who cried whenever they were on tv. I just quietly liked them (especially kevin) and new all the words to all their songs! My depression started in 7th grade along with my migraines and i never addressed the issues until now. I can't help but think i've wasted so much of my youth and the "good old days" people always talk about, being depressed. I have definitely had some happy moments in there that I wouldn't trade for the world but I haven't been consistently happy like that in 10 years! Is it because i was a kid and life was bliss? I don't know, but it was a slap in the face!

If you are depressed, have been depressed, or you know someone who is depressed...this is the book for you!! It is the journey of one boys depression. The author Ned Vizzini has spent time in adult psychiatric hospital and writes about it with great honesty and reality! This is not a book about depression from someone who has never been depressed. It is an authentic look into how we all feel at some point in our depression.

I have not finished the book yet but I can't put it down! I suggest that you read this if you are on your way to a better life and not in the downward spiral. I understand that its hard to recognize where you are, but it might hit too close to home. I have had to take a few deep breathes and reflect on my experiences in the first 50 pages of the book.

I hope you enjoy as much as I am!

My Apologies

I'm so sorry for going off the radar. I've been taking some time-out and focusing on myself. With doing that, I've made great strides in my progress back to health! I'm going to start writing again so stay tuned for my progress and tips of how to be a better you!

What Did I Do Now?

So I've got myself in a real pickle this time! I swallowed pills again. This time I took 7 days worth of my migraine meds+ 4 days worth of my anti-depression meds. I just wanted to zone out and sleep. My boyfriend saw me and told my parents i "took pills." My mom freaked and called 9-1-1. The fire ambulance came and took me out on a gurney in the front yard where the whole neighborhood saw! From there they took me to the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for 5 hours or so in ER where they did absolutely nothing but put a cop at my door! The psychiatric examiner didn't listen to a word i said. Such as stuff like, "i wasn't trying to kill myself!" and "i have a good support system." His response was, "You are a harm to yourself." This means they sent me to another hospital where I was placed on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. This means that i'm under surveillance by doctors and nurses to make sure i'm in a good state to not kill myself again. When the doctor thinks your ok you can leave. This could be before or after the 72 hour hold. While you're there you go to group therapy sessions throughout the day. This seems awful at first but i actually did learn a lot about myself and my needs. It was a good thing in the end. I missed my family, i missed my dog, and ultimately i missed good food! I will continue to write about my time on the inside in the following days.

Taking a Few Steps Back

This has been a rough week, as you know from my previous entry. I have recently slipped back into a depression. I didn’t get out of bed for about 5 days and had a few breakdowns. I’m beginning to realize that I haven’t come as far as I thought I had! This upset me the most, because I felt like a failure once again! I’m feeling ok enough to watch those depression commercials, but not well enough to listen to my mom tell me stories of other people who are depressed. I find that I can handle the inspirational as long as it isn’t directly related to depression issues. I can’t bear to hear success stories right now because I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods yet!

Being Uncomfortable

This has been a whirlwind of a week!! I graduated (well i still have 3 classes left), i went out with my friends twice, i was with my boyfriend for 6 days straight, and the family had 2 parties! It was busy, fun, and out of my realm of safety! All these things tend to stress me out in my state of mind! I did not want to walk for graduation, but i'm glad i did and my family was very supportive. I haven't really seen my friends in a party setting for quite some time. I did feel a little uncomfortable and out of the loop, but i knew it was good for me. It was nice to have my boyfriend for support through these uncomfortable situations. Although i am uncomfortable, i realize after that i am improving and able to cope with the situations a lot better than i used to! Baby steps...baby steps!

Coming Out of Hiding

School is done and all that’s left to do is wait for the grades to come out! So that means I have time to go out with friends and can't hide behind my schoolwork anymore. Tonight there are 3 graduation parties and the whole situation makes me nervous. One is going to bars, but I just don't think I’m ready for that. The second one was a family house party, but other than the graduate I don't know anyone else going. So that leaves me with the third option of going to a friend’s house for another graduation party. I haven't seen these people in about 3 months and I’m worried. Although I know all these people, not all of them know what’s been going on and my closest friends aren't going to be there. So tonight I face my anxiety...take a deep breath...and go out without my boyfriend or family for the first time in a while. Yes I may leave early, yes I may feel uncomfortable, but it is the first step to getting back to "normal". If I can do it, so can you! So remember, make a decision, take a deep breath, put on a smile and try to have some fun!!

Personal Update: Making a Turn for the Better

Hi everyone! I’m still around I’ve just been taking some extreme me time! I truly feel like I am making a turn for the better. I still are struggling and going through my depression, but I feel like I am making some serious progress. The meds are helping and taking some time off work is also helping me get my head on straight. I’ll go more into my work situation later. So hang in there! Things will get better!

I Just Can't Handle Things

I just can’t handle stressful things right now. Period. End of story. Tomorrow I have 1 quiz, 1 paper, 2 exams and a lab manual due. I have studied and read for my quiz. Ironically its in “abnormal psychology.” I wrote my paper. I am almost done with my lab manual, because I need some help on it! So that just leaves the two biggies…the two exams! Now I felt overwhelmed on Thursday but knew that I had a busy week ahead of me so I started chipping away at my work. Thursday I got most of my lab manual done then and studied for my quiz. Friday I finished what I could of my lab manual. Saturday after work I went to the swap meet to write my paper and started my paper as well as studied for my lab exam. So that leaves me to today… I finished my paper and did some more studying for my lab exam but still haven’t really gotten around to that last exam and I’m overwhelmed and shutting down.

As I sit in my dark room, only lit my computer screen I think of what I have ahead of me. What I can finish tomorrow and what the outcome (grade) will be with what I can do and it isn’t looking good. What all this means is that I’m still having big problems handling stress. If I only had to study for one thing tomorrow I would be fine, but that last exam is really weighing on my shoulders. I need help but don’t know where to start. I don’t feel like this goal can be accomplished by tomorrow so now I’m just wanting to cry myself to sleep. Something I haven’t done in a while, so maybe its about time.

Have I been holding in emotions too long and their just pouring out? Am I crazy? Am I not getting any better after all? The answer to these questions are: I have no idea. I think I’m getting better somewhat, but I have a loooong way to go! I still don’t have a handle on my stress level because I can’t handle these things. So if you have any suggestions let me know because I really don’t have any time for yoga right now!

Yoga & Me

So I have been someone who has always needed yoga but never thought it was for me! People would always tell me it would be good for me to relax, stretch and center myself, but I always thought I need to get my heart going and be sweaty. This is just because its all I’ve known. Recently when talking with my psychiatrist she suggested yoga and I had been considering it so I told her I would try! So on Sunday, I looked up the 24 hour fitness schedule for a yoga class and got myself down there in time! It turned out to be a great experience and I really enjoyed it! I went and bought a yoga mat on my way home! I felt relaxed and like I got a workout afterwards! It was actually very hard! I plan to attend class every Sunday and during the week if I can!

So for all you yoga-haters out there…give it a try if you need a way to de-stress!

How Do You Know If You’re Getting Any Better?

It’s time to re-evaluate ourselves once again. So the question to ask ourselves is, “How do I know if I’m getting any better?” …or is it just the meds working? …or is that getting better?

So I have asked myself these very questions and here’s what I came up with!
I AM GETTING BETTER and yes the meds are helping me to get better! Some may ask for proof of improvement and I can give it to you! For one I used to avoid my friends and contact with anyone other than my parents and boyfriend, but now I want to see my friends and call them to do something! I can now watch those anti-depressant commercials without having to change the channel, although I prefer to not watch them. I am now excited about my future travels instead of anxious about them. I can handle change better although I don’t think I’ll ever be superb at that one! These are all things that have made me realize I’m doing better.

So ask yourself what used to make you anxious or what does make you anxious, and then in a few months look back and if you have some control over those anxieties you are doing better!! Don’t forget to give yourself credit for any small feats as well as the big milestones!

What to Expect from Therapy

Therapy can be very intimidating and scary, but you are taking a major step toward getting better. Here are a few things to help you with your new journey!

First of all there is a bit of sticker shock! Its expensive, but if your willing to put in the effort it is well worth the money in the long run. It tends to be even more expensive if you see a psychiatrist but remember you only see them once a month or so!

Second, make sure you are comfortable with your therapist! It is different for every person, so there is not one size fits all rule. If for any reason you are uncomfortable with the person you are pouring your heart out to…look for a new one! It took me a while to find the right one!

Third, remember to make it worth it! Really talk to the therapist about what is going wrong. Tell them what makes you anxious; what you are worried about, what you are frightened of, your actual suicide level and just how you are feeling!

Finally, remember the conversation you have with your therapist is between only the 2 of you unless you give the OK to tell someone else! So congratulations on your first step towards the rest of your life!

Psychology vs. Psychiatry

Here’s something I didn’t know until just recently and hopefully it will help! Psychologists do a lot of talk sessions, but cannot prescribe medications. Psychiatrist can prescribe medications and tend to only prescribe. If you need to talk to someone see a psychologist. However, keep in mind that some Psychiatrists do talk sessions as well it will just cost you a little more, but if it will help you can you put a price on your mental health? I know the answer is yes because these are hard times, but try to be optimistic about it! With the help of both a Psychiatrist & a Psychologist I have come far in just 2 weeks!

Personal Update

So here’s an update…I have basically fired my psychiatrist and went to see my old psychologist today. She is referring me to another psychiatrist that she really likes and I will continue to see my old psychologist for sessions. He along with other people are very concerned about my suicide attempt and am continuing my anti-depressants. I will go into more detail and advice for you guys tomorrow, but today has been a huge step for me and very exhausting!

Will I

This song has moved me from the time i heard it. It is very sad but i feel like it reflects how i feel about my depression so maybe it will affect you too. It comes from the film version of the broadway musical RENT. Here are the lyrics.

Will i lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?

(repeat 4 more times)

I Was Stopped

So my suicide attempt was thwarted by my boyfriend who lives 400 miles away called my mom & grandma who just got out of the hospital due to kidney failure. They came home and stopped me after taking only 3 days worth of meds. They called the doctor and the docs said that amount wouldn't kill me but i'll just feel bad. Now i am just numb to the world. my grandma has taken over my bedroom, which is very reasonable because she just got out of the hospital and is on a strict diet that needs monitoring. I just really want a place of my own in this dark time. I wish i could yell and scream in my own house if i needed to, but i can't. I have to keep myself composed for her.

I'm so numb right now that i don't even feel like i have my feet on the ground. i can't make the next move for myself and the therapist i would like to see is out of town until next week. What am i suppose to do now? i just feel like sitting there and staring off into space and letting the world swirl around me. What do i do now?

When i figure it out i'll let you know...for the time being please bare with me during this dark time. i will try to get back to positive attitude soon!

The End

Today i give up...i throw in the towel. i am tired of trying to overcome this darkness unsuccessfuly. Its hard enough to go through this but recently my room (my sancuary / dark hole) was taken away from me. i can no longer voice how i feel in my own home so i am left to internalize it completely. This with many other things has lead me to this place that i am now. i plan to overdose on my daily anti-migraine medication. approximately 6X what i take in a normal day. i'm sorry i have failed you and hurt you, but this is a decision i have been making for over 10 years now. i'm only 23 so its about 1/2 my life and i'm just tired. No one is home right now so i will not be caught and by the time someone is home, i will be gone. Thank you for the support you know who you are because this is THE END.

Not So Happy Holidays

As I’m sure you can surmise from the title, this holiday season was not the best. It was a very hard, dark time for me. My suicidal thoughts continue, although they have become less frequent. I usually LOVE the holidays and am one of those annoying people that play Christmas music right after thanks giving and wear a santa hat when I deliver gifts! This year my heart was just very heavy and maybe I’m just ungrateful but I could have skipped the season’s greetings all together. Yes, between my depression & my grandma being in the hospital things were unusually depressing. If your holidays were anything like mine I understand! Lets just try to keep our chin up and keep fighting though it!