Yoga & Me

So I have been someone who has always needed yoga but never thought it was for me! People would always tell me it would be good for me to relax, stretch and center myself, but I always thought I need to get my heart going and be sweaty. This is just because its all I’ve known. Recently when talking with my psychiatrist she suggested yoga and I had been considering it so I told her I would try! So on Sunday, I looked up the 24 hour fitness schedule for a yoga class and got myself down there in time! It turned out to be a great experience and I really enjoyed it! I went and bought a yoga mat on my way home! I felt relaxed and like I got a workout afterwards! It was actually very hard! I plan to attend class every Sunday and during the week if I can!

So for all you yoga-haters out there…give it a try if you need a way to de-stress!

How Do You Know If You’re Getting Any Better?

It’s time to re-evaluate ourselves once again. So the question to ask ourselves is, “How do I know if I’m getting any better?” …or is it just the meds working? …or is that getting better?

So I have asked myself these very questions and here’s what I came up with!
I AM GETTING BETTER and yes the meds are helping me to get better! Some may ask for proof of improvement and I can give it to you! For one I used to avoid my friends and contact with anyone other than my parents and boyfriend, but now I want to see my friends and call them to do something! I can now watch those anti-depressant commercials without having to change the channel, although I prefer to not watch them. I am now excited about my future travels instead of anxious about them. I can handle change better although I don’t think I’ll ever be superb at that one! These are all things that have made me realize I’m doing better.

So ask yourself what used to make you anxious or what does make you anxious, and then in a few months look back and if you have some control over those anxieties you are doing better!! Don’t forget to give yourself credit for any small feats as well as the big milestones!

What to Expect from Therapy

Therapy can be very intimidating and scary, but you are taking a major step toward getting better. Here are a few things to help you with your new journey!

First of all there is a bit of sticker shock! Its expensive, but if your willing to put in the effort it is well worth the money in the long run. It tends to be even more expensive if you see a psychiatrist but remember you only see them once a month or so!

Second, make sure you are comfortable with your therapist! It is different for every person, so there is not one size fits all rule. If for any reason you are uncomfortable with the person you are pouring your heart out to…look for a new one! It took me a while to find the right one!

Third, remember to make it worth it! Really talk to the therapist about what is going wrong. Tell them what makes you anxious; what you are worried about, what you are frightened of, your actual suicide level and just how you are feeling!

Finally, remember the conversation you have with your therapist is between only the 2 of you unless you give the OK to tell someone else! So congratulations on your first step towards the rest of your life!

Psychology vs. Psychiatry

Here’s something I didn’t know until just recently and hopefully it will help! Psychologists do a lot of talk sessions, but cannot prescribe medications. Psychiatrist can prescribe medications and tend to only prescribe. If you need to talk to someone see a psychologist. However, keep in mind that some Psychiatrists do talk sessions as well it will just cost you a little more, but if it will help you can you put a price on your mental health? I know the answer is yes because these are hard times, but try to be optimistic about it! With the help of both a Psychiatrist & a Psychologist I have come far in just 2 weeks!

Personal Update

So here’s an update…I have basically fired my psychiatrist and went to see my old psychologist today. She is referring me to another psychiatrist that she really likes and I will continue to see my old psychologist for sessions. He along with other people are very concerned about my suicide attempt and am continuing my anti-depressants. I will go into more detail and advice for you guys tomorrow, but today has been a huge step for me and very exhausting!

Will I

This song has moved me from the time i heard it. It is very sad but i feel like it reflects how i feel about my depression so maybe it will affect you too. It comes from the film version of the broadway musical RENT. Here are the lyrics.

Will i lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?

(repeat 4 more times)

I Was Stopped

So my suicide attempt was thwarted by my boyfriend who lives 400 miles away called my mom & grandma who just got out of the hospital due to kidney failure. They came home and stopped me after taking only 3 days worth of meds. They called the doctor and the docs said that amount wouldn't kill me but i'll just feel bad. Now i am just numb to the world. my grandma has taken over my bedroom, which is very reasonable because she just got out of the hospital and is on a strict diet that needs monitoring. I just really want a place of my own in this dark time. I wish i could yell and scream in my own house if i needed to, but i can't. I have to keep myself composed for her.

I'm so numb right now that i don't even feel like i have my feet on the ground. i can't make the next move for myself and the therapist i would like to see is out of town until next week. What am i suppose to do now? i just feel like sitting there and staring off into space and letting the world swirl around me. What do i do now?

When i figure it out i'll let you know...for the time being please bare with me during this dark time. i will try to get back to positive attitude soon!

The End

Today i give up...i throw in the towel. i am tired of trying to overcome this darkness unsuccessfuly. Its hard enough to go through this but recently my room (my sancuary / dark hole) was taken away from me. i can no longer voice how i feel in my own home so i am left to internalize it completely. This with many other things has lead me to this place that i am now. i plan to overdose on my daily anti-migraine medication. approximately 6X what i take in a normal day. i'm sorry i have failed you and hurt you, but this is a decision i have been making for over 10 years now. i'm only 23 so its about 1/2 my life and i'm just tired. No one is home right now so i will not be caught and by the time someone is home, i will be gone. Thank you for the support you know who you are because this is THE END.

Not So Happy Holidays

As I’m sure you can surmise from the title, this holiday season was not the best. It was a very hard, dark time for me. My suicidal thoughts continue, although they have become less frequent. I usually LOVE the holidays and am one of those annoying people that play Christmas music right after thanks giving and wear a santa hat when I deliver gifts! This year my heart was just very heavy and maybe I’m just ungrateful but I could have skipped the season’s greetings all together. Yes, between my depression & my grandma being in the hospital things were unusually depressing. If your holidays were anything like mine I understand! Lets just try to keep our chin up and keep fighting though it!

Are We Less Significant?

Are our problems any less significant than those with chronic illnesses like cancer? This is an idea I struggled with for many many years. Tonight, my dad made a comment that he was glad my problems were way down here (as he gestured to a foot off the floor) because a friend of my mothers problems where way up here (gesturing to a foot from the ceiling). Yes my mother’s friend is a struggling single parent who’s son is dying of cancer, but it doesn’t make what I am going through any less significant to my life. I felt that way until about 5 years ago when I was talking to a therapist, she validated my feelings and gave me permission to believe my illness and problems were worth concern and some selfishness. So remember we are NOT less significant that those with cancer!