What Did I Do Now?

So I've got myself in a real pickle this time! I swallowed pills again. This time I took 7 days worth of my migraine meds+ 4 days worth of my anti-depression meds. I just wanted to zone out and sleep. My boyfriend saw me and told my parents i "took pills." My mom freaked and called 9-1-1. The fire ambulance came and took me out on a gurney in the front yard where the whole neighborhood saw! From there they took me to the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for 5 hours or so in ER where they did absolutely nothing but put a cop at my door! The psychiatric examiner didn't listen to a word i said. Such as stuff like, "i wasn't trying to kill myself!" and "i have a good support system." His response was, "You are a harm to yourself." This means they sent me to another hospital where I was placed on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. This means that i'm under surveillance by doctors and nurses to make sure i'm in a good state to not kill myself again. When the doctor thinks your ok you can leave. This could be before or after the 72 hour hold. While you're there you go to group therapy sessions throughout the day. This seems awful at first but i actually did learn a lot about myself and my needs. It was a good thing in the end. I missed my family, i missed my dog, and ultimately i missed good food! I will continue to write about my time on the inside in the following days.

Taking a Few Steps Back

This has been a rough week, as you know from my previous entry. I have recently slipped back into a depression. I didn’t get out of bed for about 5 days and had a few breakdowns. I’m beginning to realize that I haven’t come as far as I thought I had! This upset me the most, because I felt like a failure once again! I’m feeling ok enough to watch those depression commercials, but not well enough to listen to my mom tell me stories of other people who are depressed. I find that I can handle the inspirational as long as it isn’t directly related to depression issues. I can’t bear to hear success stories right now because I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods yet!

Being Uncomfortable

This has been a whirlwind of a week!! I graduated (well i still have 3 classes left), i went out with my friends twice, i was with my boyfriend for 6 days straight, and the family had 2 parties! It was busy, fun, and out of my realm of safety! All these things tend to stress me out in my state of mind! I did not want to walk for graduation, but i'm glad i did and my family was very supportive. I haven't really seen my friends in a party setting for quite some time. I did feel a little uncomfortable and out of the loop, but i knew it was good for me. It was nice to have my boyfriend for support through these uncomfortable situations. Although i am uncomfortable, i realize after that i am improving and able to cope with the situations a lot better than i used to! Baby steps...baby steps!

Coming Out of Hiding

School is done and all that’s left to do is wait for the grades to come out! So that means I have time to go out with friends and can't hide behind my schoolwork anymore. Tonight there are 3 graduation parties and the whole situation makes me nervous. One is going to bars, but I just don't think I’m ready for that. The second one was a family house party, but other than the graduate I don't know anyone else going. So that leaves me with the third option of going to a friend’s house for another graduation party. I haven't seen these people in about 3 months and I’m worried. Although I know all these people, not all of them know what’s been going on and my closest friends aren't going to be there. So tonight I face my anxiety...take a deep breath...and go out without my boyfriend or family for the first time in a while. Yes I may leave early, yes I may feel uncomfortable, but it is the first step to getting back to "normal". If I can do it, so can you! So remember, make a decision, take a deep breath, put on a smile and try to have some fun!!

Personal Update: Making a Turn for the Better

Hi everyone! I’m still around I’ve just been taking some extreme me time! I truly feel like I am making a turn for the better. I still are struggling and going through my depression, but I feel like I am making some serious progress. The meds are helping and taking some time off work is also helping me get my head on straight. I’ll go more into my work situation later. So hang in there! Things will get better!

I Just Can't Handle Things

I just can’t handle stressful things right now. Period. End of story. Tomorrow I have 1 quiz, 1 paper, 2 exams and a lab manual due. I have studied and read for my quiz. Ironically its in “abnormal psychology.” I wrote my paper. I am almost done with my lab manual, because I need some help on it! So that just leaves the two biggies…the two exams! Now I felt overwhelmed on Thursday but knew that I had a busy week ahead of me so I started chipping away at my work. Thursday I got most of my lab manual done then and studied for my quiz. Friday I finished what I could of my lab manual. Saturday after work I went to the swap meet to write my paper and started my paper as well as studied for my lab exam. So that leaves me to today… I finished my paper and did some more studying for my lab exam but still haven’t really gotten around to that last exam and I’m overwhelmed and shutting down.

As I sit in my dark room, only lit my computer screen I think of what I have ahead of me. What I can finish tomorrow and what the outcome (grade) will be with what I can do and it isn’t looking good. What all this means is that I’m still having big problems handling stress. If I only had to study for one thing tomorrow I would be fine, but that last exam is really weighing on my shoulders. I need help but don’t know where to start. I don’t feel like this goal can be accomplished by tomorrow so now I’m just wanting to cry myself to sleep. Something I haven’t done in a while, so maybe its about time.

Have I been holding in emotions too long and their just pouring out? Am I crazy? Am I not getting any better after all? The answer to these questions are: I have no idea. I think I’m getting better somewhat, but I have a loooong way to go! I still don’t have a handle on my stress level because I can’t handle these things. So if you have any suggestions let me know because I really don’t have any time for yoga right now!

Yoga & Me

So I have been someone who has always needed yoga but never thought it was for me! People would always tell me it would be good for me to relax, stretch and center myself, but I always thought I need to get my heart going and be sweaty. This is just because its all I’ve known. Recently when talking with my psychiatrist she suggested yoga and I had been considering it so I told her I would try! So on Sunday, I looked up the 24 hour fitness schedule for a yoga class and got myself down there in time! It turned out to be a great experience and I really enjoyed it! I went and bought a yoga mat on my way home! I felt relaxed and like I got a workout afterwards! It was actually very hard! I plan to attend class every Sunday and during the week if I can!

So for all you yoga-haters out there…give it a try if you need a way to de-stress!

How Do You Know If You’re Getting Any Better?

It’s time to re-evaluate ourselves once again. So the question to ask ourselves is, “How do I know if I’m getting any better?” …or is it just the meds working? …or is that getting better?

So I have asked myself these very questions and here’s what I came up with!
I AM GETTING BETTER and yes the meds are helping me to get better! Some may ask for proof of improvement and I can give it to you! For one I used to avoid my friends and contact with anyone other than my parents and boyfriend, but now I want to see my friends and call them to do something! I can now watch those anti-depressant commercials without having to change the channel, although I prefer to not watch them. I am now excited about my future travels instead of anxious about them. I can handle change better although I don’t think I’ll ever be superb at that one! These are all things that have made me realize I’m doing better.

So ask yourself what used to make you anxious or what does make you anxious, and then in a few months look back and if you have some control over those anxieties you are doing better!! Don’t forget to give yourself credit for any small feats as well as the big milestones!

What to Expect from Therapy

Therapy can be very intimidating and scary, but you are taking a major step toward getting better. Here are a few things to help you with your new journey!

First of all there is a bit of sticker shock! Its expensive, but if your willing to put in the effort it is well worth the money in the long run. It tends to be even more expensive if you see a psychiatrist but remember you only see them once a month or so!

Second, make sure you are comfortable with your therapist! It is different for every person, so there is not one size fits all rule. If for any reason you are uncomfortable with the person you are pouring your heart out to…look for a new one! It took me a while to find the right one!

Third, remember to make it worth it! Really talk to the therapist about what is going wrong. Tell them what makes you anxious; what you are worried about, what you are frightened of, your actual suicide level and just how you are feeling!

Finally, remember the conversation you have with your therapist is between only the 2 of you unless you give the OK to tell someone else! So congratulations on your first step towards the rest of your life!

Psychology vs. Psychiatry

Here’s something I didn’t know until just recently and hopefully it will help! Psychologists do a lot of talk sessions, but cannot prescribe medications. Psychiatrist can prescribe medications and tend to only prescribe. If you need to talk to someone see a psychologist. However, keep in mind that some Psychiatrists do talk sessions as well it will just cost you a little more, but if it will help you can you put a price on your mental health? I know the answer is yes because these are hard times, but try to be optimistic about it! With the help of both a Psychiatrist & a Psychologist I have come far in just 2 weeks!