Empire State of Mind

I have come so far once again. I am now able to do things that I couldn't do a year ago...actually I couldn't even attempt to do it a year ago. I finally planned and executed a trip to New York. I had a list of things i wanted to do but no formal plan and i survived. Yes i did get anxious at times and had some difficulties, but overall it as a success. Both my boyfriend and dad mentioned that it shows a giant step in the right direction. I did all this while taking my 4th GRE test on the morning of my departure for NYC. On top of that, I was working almost everyday the week before and had my boyfriend in town because his aunt was getting a bone marrow transplant. I do realize I was crazy, but thats just the way it worked out. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I haven't felt like that for awhile. Thanks everyone for the support!

& the Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

I know its been a month, and i just wanted to say i'm doing much better than my last post. I've been feeling decent...not great...and taking it one day at a time. I have taken the first step towards concering the GRE! I have started an intensive class and begun to study for it. So wish me good luck!

HELP

Today for the first time in 9 months i felt like hurting myself...thank you mommy. I have felt depressed for days now and have tried to do my best. The people who used to support me have too many of their own problems to deal with and no time for me. As far as dear old mommy goes, i have asked her to leave me alone. I have told her that i am not mad at her. I have closed my door and she just keeps opening it. So i lost it. I yelled at her and threw a rubbermaid storage box at her because she wouldn't leave. She's pist and clueless. Since i've been OK lately, there is no reason to help or listen. I really want an escape and i only know how to do it with my meds. I won't do it...but i really want to.

Partying While Depressed (PWD)

I know partying of any kind it an easy way to escape from the world especially when you are feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Being uncomfortable can't make you feel any more comfortable, however it is probably not a good idea to use alcohol when you're in a vulnerable situation like this. When i feel like this or like i'm sliding, i halt all alcohol use because i figure it will only make my problems worse. i come from a family that are not alcoholics, but definitely knows who to party. So that can even make family situations uncomfortable sometimes. but lucky for me there is no pressure to drink from my family or friends. its just that i don't feel comfortable being in situations like a bar where there is really not much to do except drink and i;m not that comfortable in my own skin to dance. So i like a quieter more intimate environment. Try going out to dinner with a friend or two. Don't have a big group because if you're like me...that scares me. I think thats where the source of this discussion comes from. Being at a party last weekend at my bf's place with many people i don't know, even though one of my best friends, my boyfriend and cousin was there. Just think before you drink. You should always think before you drink...but especially when you're depressed. So think before you PWD!

Quote of the Moment

I thought that was great when I saw it on the inside of a dove chocolate wrapper. I have learned to take a moment when I need it!

First signs of Depression in 6 months

It has been about six months since since I have felt any sign of depression. I have been anxious, but have come to except that as a part of me as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. I have been able to attend parties with the help of my boyfriend and other friends who act as my “wingman.” I’m still not totally comfortable going out on my own. However, last night at a party with my boyfriend, cousin, family friends and good friends I felt myself becoming unhinged. I felt anxious. I felt like I needed a moment to myself. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. When I excused myself quietly to my boyfriends room my friend came in to find me to play a game. I was grateful to her for making me get up, but it still disturbs me. I believe it is because I have been missing a few days of Zoloft doses on accident that I feel this way. I have also been having some crazy dreams which is usually a sign of anti-depressant withdrawal…if that’s the correct word. So I guess all I can do now is be more diligent with my meds and hope the crazy dreams and feelings of depression will subside.

It's Kind Of A Funny Story - book review

This book was awesome!! I know i wrote about it before, but with school and everything i just now finished it! I could totally relate to the characters even though it was geared toward a younger demographic. My mom and boyfriend both want to read it now to get some insight into how i feel/felt since i keep saying that Vizzini is spot on! with the exception that it is from the mind of a teenage boy! I <3 this book and i think you will too!

You Hear a Cry for Help...but No One Answers

What happens when you cry out for help but no one is there to answer? This is my problem this holiday season. I can usually talk out my feelings to my parents or boyfriend, but no one is available. When i try to approach them, all i hear are sighs and exhaustion. How are you suppose to talk to someone when that's how they respond to you? That is like slamming the door in my face before i even knock. I'm trying to not bother anyone unless it is necessary, but with the stress of the holiday season, i'm left out to dry. I'm not upset, but my feelings are hurt. If i was in a more serious state, the only way i would know how to call for help would be to hurt myself. luckily i'm past that phase, but my emotions are bruised severely.

If the doctor said it...it must be true

The doctor says that i'm getting better and really improving so it must be true right? If it is true then why are I not leaping for joy? My conclusion is that i'm so used to being depressed that i don't know how to not be. It is normal for me to NOT feel "normal." I guess this isn't completely ridiculous since i've been going through this personal roller coaster for the past decade. Don't get me wrong a large part of me is saying "Wow! I've come so far...I'm proud of me!" ...not to seem too self centered. So for now, i'm going to be proud of myself and try to leap for joy. I figure I'll get used to being "normal" eventually.

Keep Calm & Carry On

I came across this while browsing the urban outfitters (UO) website and thought..."Thats a great saying! It can totally apply to me and what i'm going through!" so i thought i would share it with you! Then i thought, "Wow...is it sad that I need a slogan to keep in mind because i'm so anxious." but oh well...whatever works right?

This poster was originally produced by the British government in 1939 during the start of WWII to raise the moral of the public under the threat of invasion. It was never used and few people knew of it. Luckily it was rediscovered in 2000 and has been re-issued to private companies which explains how UO got a hold of it!