3 Weeks of Misery

The Migraine Monster strikes again!! It has been 3 weeks of nausea and dizziness! On my scale I’ve been a 6-9 on the dizzy and nausea scale!! I keep thinking when will this all end everyday for the past 3 weeks!! It has been a rollercoaster ride. I've been great at keeping a cool head and just dealing with the situation at hand, however, that all ended yesterday! Yesterday, upon feeling like a 9 all around I didn’t want to go to therapy because I felt like I should save myself for tutoring later in the day! My mom made me and when I got upset on the car ride there (I’m not driving at the moment…too dizzy) she turned around and came back home. I slammed the car door, slammed the house door and scared the dog, then slammed my bedroom door. When I got sick of sitting there I got even more upset and took my keys to leave. I had to re-park my mom’s car first and in the process I hit it on a brick wall. I scarped up the back bumper! Then my mom took my purse and I threw the laundry on the ground and squashed a squash in the middle of the kitchen. When I got my purse back and took off. By now I was crying hysterically and ended up pulling over. On my very short drive I went from anger to fear in about 5 seconds. I was scared to come home and face the repercussions. I’m a 24-year-old woman throwing a tantrum and messed up my mom’s car! I’m very sorry for my actions and am paying for the car damage. However, the thing that worries me the most is I didn’t know how upset I was! The rage and frustration came out of nowhere! I guess I still have a lot of learning to do on my journey back to health.

My Sick Scale

This is my scale of how i feel. It has helped my family understand the severity of symptoms without a whole lot of talking. My doctors even get it! I hope this helps you!

0 = no symptoms
1 = slightly symptomatic
2 =
3 = Feeling bad but can still function on a normal level
4 =
5 = feeling bad but can still sit around and be somewhat pleasant
6 =
7 = Feeling bad but not horrible
8 = Feeling horrible and need to lay down
9 = Feeling horrible & possibly need to sleep to escape the symptom
10 = laid out, can't function, possibly in the hospital

See what works for you and feel the scale out! Make it your own.

When I Was Happiest

Today while watching Oprah I had an epiphany...The last time I was consistently happy in life was when i was about 12-13. Then i realized that was about a decade ago! What brought about my epiphany was watching the backstreet boys perform again! Yes, I loved them and singing their songs makes me feel like that 13 year old girl again. Now i wasn't that screaming fan who cried whenever they were on tv. I just quietly liked them (especially kevin) and new all the words to all their songs! My depression started in 7th grade along with my migraines and i never addressed the issues until now. I can't help but think i've wasted so much of my youth and the "good old days" people always talk about, being depressed. I have definitely had some happy moments in there that I wouldn't trade for the world but I haven't been consistently happy like that in 10 years! Is it because i was a kid and life was bliss? I don't know, but it was a slap in the face!

If you are depressed, have been depressed, or you know someone who is depressed...this is the book for you!! It is the journey of one boys depression. The author Ned Vizzini has spent time in adult psychiatric hospital and writes about it with great honesty and reality! This is not a book about depression from someone who has never been depressed. It is an authentic look into how we all feel at some point in our depression.

I have not finished the book yet but I can't put it down! I suggest that you read this if you are on your way to a better life and not in the downward spiral. I understand that its hard to recognize where you are, but it might hit too close to home. I have had to take a few deep breathes and reflect on my experiences in the first 50 pages of the book.

I hope you enjoy as much as I am!

My Apologies

I'm so sorry for going off the radar. I've been taking some time-out and focusing on myself. With doing that, I've made great strides in my progress back to health! I'm going to start writing again so stay tuned for my progress and tips of how to be a better you!

What Did I Do Now?

So I've got myself in a real pickle this time! I swallowed pills again. This time I took 7 days worth of my migraine meds+ 4 days worth of my anti-depression meds. I just wanted to zone out and sleep. My boyfriend saw me and told my parents i "took pills." My mom freaked and called 9-1-1. The fire ambulance came and took me out on a gurney in the front yard where the whole neighborhood saw! From there they took me to the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for 5 hours or so in ER where they did absolutely nothing but put a cop at my door! The psychiatric examiner didn't listen to a word i said. Such as stuff like, "i wasn't trying to kill myself!" and "i have a good support system." His response was, "You are a harm to yourself." This means they sent me to another hospital where I was placed on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. This means that i'm under surveillance by doctors and nurses to make sure i'm in a good state to not kill myself again. When the doctor thinks your ok you can leave. This could be before or after the 72 hour hold. While you're there you go to group therapy sessions throughout the day. This seems awful at first but i actually did learn a lot about myself and my needs. It was a good thing in the end. I missed my family, i missed my dog, and ultimately i missed good food! I will continue to write about my time on the inside in the following days.

Taking a Few Steps Back

This has been a rough week, as you know from my previous entry. I have recently slipped back into a depression. I didn’t get out of bed for about 5 days and had a few breakdowns. I’m beginning to realize that I haven’t come as far as I thought I had! This upset me the most, because I felt like a failure once again! I’m feeling ok enough to watch those depression commercials, but not well enough to listen to my mom tell me stories of other people who are depressed. I find that I can handle the inspirational as long as it isn’t directly related to depression issues. I can’t bear to hear success stories right now because I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods yet!

Being Uncomfortable

This has been a whirlwind of a week!! I graduated (well i still have 3 classes left), i went out with my friends twice, i was with my boyfriend for 6 days straight, and the family had 2 parties! It was busy, fun, and out of my realm of safety! All these things tend to stress me out in my state of mind! I did not want to walk for graduation, but i'm glad i did and my family was very supportive. I haven't really seen my friends in a party setting for quite some time. I did feel a little uncomfortable and out of the loop, but i knew it was good for me. It was nice to have my boyfriend for support through these uncomfortable situations. Although i am uncomfortable, i realize after that i am improving and able to cope with the situations a lot better than i used to! Baby steps...baby steps!

Coming Out of Hiding

School is done and all that’s left to do is wait for the grades to come out! So that means I have time to go out with friends and can't hide behind my schoolwork anymore. Tonight there are 3 graduation parties and the whole situation makes me nervous. One is going to bars, but I just don't think I’m ready for that. The second one was a family house party, but other than the graduate I don't know anyone else going. So that leaves me with the third option of going to a friend’s house for another graduation party. I haven't seen these people in about 3 months and I’m worried. Although I know all these people, not all of them know what’s been going on and my closest friends aren't going to be there. So tonight I face my anxiety...take a deep breath...and go out without my boyfriend or family for the first time in a while. Yes I may leave early, yes I may feel uncomfortable, but it is the first step to getting back to "normal". If I can do it, so can you! So remember, make a decision, take a deep breath, put on a smile and try to have some fun!!

Personal Update: Making a Turn for the Better

Hi everyone! I’m still around I’ve just been taking some extreme me time! I truly feel like I am making a turn for the better. I still are struggling and going through my depression, but I feel like I am making some serious progress. The meds are helping and taking some time off work is also helping me get my head on straight. I’ll go more into my work situation later. So hang in there! Things will get better!