Are We Less Significant?

Are our problems any less significant than those with chronic illnesses like cancer? This is an idea I struggled with for many many years. Tonight, my dad made a comment that he was glad my problems were way down here (as he gestured to a foot off the floor) because a friend of my mothers problems where way up here (gesturing to a foot from the ceiling). Yes my mother’s friend is a struggling single parent who’s son is dying of cancer, but it doesn’t make what I am going through any less significant to my life. I felt that way until about 5 years ago when I was talking to a therapist, she validated my feelings and gave me permission to believe my illness and problems were worth concern and some selfishness. So remember we are NOT less significant that those with cancer!

Suicide

Suicide. It’s a dark topic that most people don’t like to discuss, which makes it an important topic to discuss. I have had many thoughts of suicide in my past. I had a plan, I have written letters, I have felt the darkness surround me. I can feel it creeping in now, slowly and steadily with no deviation. For the first time in many years, the subject has flitted through my mind. I don’t think I would actually go through with it, because I’m too scared. However, I contemplate the question, “what’s so good about living?” daily. It seems like all around me is death, divorce, and miserable people that just function on a daily level to survive financially and socially, but not really emotionally. I am a firm believer that suicide is a cowardly way out of this life. I think it doesn’t hurt the person committing suicide, but the family and friends surrounding them. I know my parents would be heartbroken, perhaps to a point of no return. Why would I inflict my depression onto them in such a direct way? So please, if you are considering suicide, take another look at your life. There must be one reason to exist in this world. It could be for a dog who without you wouldn’t have a home, or your grandma who would have outlived you, or for simply your friends and family who love you even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

We All Have Those Days

We all have those days of feeling like we are going to fall off a cliff, but try to remember what's good in your life. i know that sometimes it seems like nothing is good, but if you can find one thing or person thats all you need! So take a couple steps back from the edge to analyze the situation before you do something you can't take back!

Depression Commercials

I don’t understand those commercials on tv for depression medication. They make us out to be so much worse than we actually are. Then when we are at the point that they show on the commercials, you can’t watch them so they do you no good! When I’m at a 7 I can’t watch those so I change the channel or mute the tv until its over! Perhaps they are for the loved ones of the depressed, but when you are that depressed you usually don't listen to people very well. You tend to be self consuming. I know when my parents told me I was depressed again I got very upset! Basically what I’m saying is those commercials are stupid and useless!

Things That May Help

I have tried many things in the past & here are some tips!

Be CREATIVE…whatever that may be! Paint, draw, make a collage, write, film, color in coloring books…whatever just get out there!

Do SOMETHING FOR OTHERS...it will help you realize that the world is bigger than you because sometimes we forget that. Do community service, set up a toy drive, join and organization, make dinner for your family.

WRITE…it’s a good place to get out your feelings & organize your thoughts! No one can judge you here! Spelling and grammar don’t count because no one but you has to read it! It’s also nice to go back later & rationalize things. Try to write positive things as well as what’s bothering you.

TALK…this doesn’t mean you have to see a therapist. You can talk to a friend, family member, whoever as long as you feel safe in confiding to them. It helps to get things off your chest! Bottling things up doesn’t ever work!

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE…even if you have to force yourself. It can be going to the market, getting ice cream with a friend if a dinner to too much, shopping for yourself, just put yourself back into the world in some form!

Do as SELF EVALUATION…to see where you stand with your feelings. I like to base it on a 1 – 10 scale (1 = excellent, 10 = bottom of a dark hole & suicidal!). Everyday, think to yourself, “What # am I today?” If you get to a 7-8 I suggest seeking outside help!

Here’s what I do or have done in the past for each topic!

I love art so I draw, paint and obviously write! It makes me feel better at the end of the day! I volunteer in the summer at numerous cancer camps & have an annual toy drive for Christmas. I blog & journal! I try to be positive in my blog and my journal entries tend to be more dark and depressing, but I get it out of my system that way! I talk to my parents & close friends about my feelings and concerns everyday! I know I’m lucky. I make sure I see my friends once a week at least or if their busy I have fun with my family in some way. For my self evaluation, once I got to a #7 I called a therapist.

I really hope these suggestions work for you & let me know if you have any suggestions for me!!!

Worries

There are many things that worry me. I'm always concerned with finances, school, family, disaster, friends, my health, what food I eat, amount of sleep & what others think of me. These are most, but not all of my worries. Its important for you to remember that I am naturally a worrywart & I do suffer from anxiety, as well as, depression. Now, these are normal concerns for any driven young person, but I tend to over do it! Money and food worries I just use as a scape-goat for bigger problems. Just to clarify I do not have an eating disorder, I'm just conscious of not eating junk food! School is a biggie because after I graduate in the spring I still have to get into grad school & at the moment, thanks to zoloft I'm completely unmotivated to work! I tend to care WAY TOO MUCH what my friends & family think of me. Sleep & my health are the only two real concerns I have & I think when those get out of control is when I really start to compound my anxiety. FOR ALL YOU GIRLS OUT THERE...sorry guys...this seems to get worse around “that time” each month! So remember, worrying is a normal part of life, but keep it in perspective! Try to understand why you are worrying about these things so that you can overcome it! At the moment its a combo of not taking my meds diligently & pms.

Dealing with Parents

My parents have always been there to support me through everything, school, health issue, basketball, whatever. However, in the process we become dependent on each other and it’s hard for them to know the boundaries. My mom has been my rock through everything, but now that I’m 23 years old she doesn’t know when to back off. She is one of my best friends, but also my worst enemy at times. She just tries to fix things too much and doesn’t listen until people see things her way. This gets very complicated when dealing with depression. Luckily her way isn’t too bad, it’s just not mine. So what I’m trying to say is, I understand how frustrating parents can be, but remember their always there for you (especially if you have a good pair like me). Seeing their kid go through this is hard on them too and we have to remember that, even though it may be tough and tears may be shed in the process.

To Medicate or Not...

Medication in general has been an issue with me for many years! Due to my health history, I have been on some sort of meds since I was 9 months old and have always wished I could be meds free! This became a reality for me in HS, but only lasted one year. I had to return to the daily task of medication. So, since I take meds every single day twice a day I don’t like to take much else, even advil! I have never wanted to take any sort of anti-depressants/anxiety medication thinking I could do it on my own. Usually, that just let me to a dark, lonely hole that was harder to climb out of. This is the second time I have taken meds and this time around, I have come to terms with it much easier! I was still reluctant to do so, so everyday I would do a self evaluation. I would ask myself, “how am I doing on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being black hole depression.” I decided that I would go on meds again and talk to someone if I get to a 7. Well everyday, it would gradually climb and eventually I got to a 7 all on my own. The next day I called my dr., set up an appointment, and soon after started medication.

Since then, I’ve been taking it very diligently and have felt the load lighten. It didn’t cure it, because I still feel lonely and down, but it took the edge off. Emotionally I am more stable. I don’t cry as much or worry about the little things as much. Things still get to me and like I mentioned I still feel only I am just able to explain myself better and see myself in a new light. I hope to be off of this medication and standing solid by February. This gives me a lot of time to confront my fears. The choice to medicate or not is ultimately up to you, but if you've fallen far, i highly suggest it with doctor supervision.

Remember, fighting depression is a process and doesn’t have to happen immediately. It’s best to set realistic goals and if you meet them early that’s fine, and if you don’t that’s fine too! As long as your doing everything you can to get yourself to a better place.

What i've done wrong...

Since this has been an ongoing thing for years, I have had a lot of time to make mistakes, but this also means i've had a lot of time to learn from my mistakes. In the past i have run away from my feelings, just blocking them out until they come pouring out in a tidal wave of tears and anger! I have kept it a secret from my friends and family by isolating them from me in every way which just made me feel more alone. I have put on the "good face" for the world, and I'll tell you something, it's exhausting!!! both mentally and physically. I have disguised my depression with other activities, but there always come a breaking point where it doesn't work anymore. I feel myself using this old standby's still. I drown myself in schoolwork, and have become so good at the "good face" i can even fool myself. Now i am just more aware of it. Another thing I find myself doing is taking all my anger and frustration out on my parents. I realize that i do this because i know they will still love me at the end of the day and i will always have their support. Sometimes when i try to not explode on people i do the opposite and hold everything in which isn't good either. It's all about finding a balance and i think i've been doing pretty good there. Now i tell people how i feel before it gets out of control then i am able to tell them nicely and more clearly. If it gets out of hand i know i have certain people in my life who i can turn to when things are really hard. I am so grateful for that !! It is because of these people that i know one day this will be behind me. Thank you everyone.

Who is lonely girl?

I am a 23 year old who has battled with depression and anxiety since age 13. I would describe myself as an earthy, artist, type A-ish person. I have struggled with my health for as long as I can remember, dealing with epilepsy as a kid and severe migraines to this day. I always thought that was the cause of my depression. Now, years later I realize it isn’t specifically my health but rather my feeling of losing control. When I felt like I was losing control of my body or life my depression kicked in. This happened when I changed my daily medication that I had been on for years, graduating from high school, and the process of graduating from college. Do you sense a pattern? I do! Now, I believe part of this is due to genetics, because there is a strong history of depression in my family, but that is not going to stop me! I am determined to kick my depression for good, and although I expect for it to creep back into my life from time to time, I will know how to deal with it before it gets worse. So…my own written journey begins with minimal whining and as much inspiration & positivity as possible through this rough time.