What a difference some sleep makes!

I know that last night I sounded very angry and upset about my support situation.  That was selfish of me.  I am happy that my cousin is coming to see his friend and supporting him.  I am proud of him for being strong though this situation and hopefully he will learn something in the process.  I think that is all I can hope for in these situations.  So no more anger...just hopefulness and love to send to the world and to my dear friend, M.

Family - love them and ... them!

I'm so happy to be there for my friend even though he is still not conscious.  I'm am so happy for him that he has so much love and support from all of us.  However, I can't help but think of me and how when I told people what was going on with me they seemed indifferent.  Even worse my family...not my mom and dad but aunt, uncle and cousins...barely knew anything was wrong.  This is because we don't trust them with the emotional stuff.  They always seem to blame the persons upbringing or life situations instead of just seeing it as an illness and supporting me.  Even though I have come so far, it still brings me to tears when I think about my cousin traveling for 6 hours to see our friend, when he couldn't spend 6 minutes supporting me in these past 2 1/2 years.  I guess its just something that i'm going to have to live with and get past.  I hope that with time this anger will subside and that when the time comes that I have children, their family will be supportive of them.  In fact, I will make our family be supportive.  I do love my cousins and support them in everything.  They are the brothers I never had and love them for saying stuff like, "Stop being a girl!" even though we are all in our 20's now.  I just don't like the mentality of mental illness that they were raised in.  I know it is ignorance that drives them and know that they are not trying to be hurtful, but either way it still hurts from time to time.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is that you really do have to treat people the way you want to be treated.  I'm going to try and not let my friend feel what I have, or at least feel that way because of me.  Also, I now know who my true friends are.  I'm still waiting patiently for my friend to regain consciousness, so that I can be there for him in ways that few people were there for me.  Take care buddy.  We're all here for you.

The Tables Have Turned

Today I am woken up by my boyfriend coming home from work at 10 am, so immediately I knew something was wrong.  Since he rides his bike to work I thought he had a bad crash but was able to make it home.  Before I could get a good look at him he told me that our friend had tried to commit suicide this morning.  I shot out of bed and got dressed, gathered somethings and headed to the hospital with him.  

Once we got to the hospital I found out more details.  He had sent his friends and family an email this morning at 8 AM.  I now believe that it was auto-sent from his email.  Many of our friends either got to work and read it, read it at home, or got a call from someone.  The first people to get the email rallied and went looking for him.  Figuring that if it was sent at 8AM then there is a good chance he is still alive.  In a personal email to one of his closest friends he mentions a nearby hill so the friends split up and one group searched the hill and another went to his apartment. Before they had to break into his apartment he was found unconscious on the hill.  The friend that found him called 9-1-1 and notified everyone else to which hospital he was being taken too.  

He is currently in the ICU and stable but still not conscious.  Since he was outside for quite some time his core body temperature was low and therefore the drugs that he used to try and end his life are not metabolizing very fast.  The doctors believe that he will be waking up in the next couple of days and where he goes from there we do not know.  

I don't talk about my mental illness with many people, but I did open up to him previously and his family today.  It was head spinning to see things from the other side of the bed.  Although my attempt was not as severe since i never lost consciousness, I feel for him so deeply.  I can remember being at the hospital 2 years ago and going though all this stuff.  I have a greater appreciation for my family and friends. I know that without being forced into at 72 hour psychiatric hold I would not be where I am today.  In fact through this whole process I never once felt shaky about my own mental stability.  I only thought of it when my mom asked me if I was ok with everything that was going on.  I replied, "No...he's in the hospital." and she then said, "no I mean you personally and your mental health."  So in  supporting my friend I realize once again how far I have come and hope that he will be able to get the help he needs too.  I will always be there for him because I know what it feels like to want to end your life and am glad to be alive today and for many many years to come.