Not Feeling So Hot...

So I've been feeling well both psychologically and physical for quite some time now.  My last migraine was a doozy in March, I've been feeling good!  The last time I thought about my depression was when my friend was when my friend made a suicide attempt.  Even then, I still felt sturdy.  But now, I have been dizzy and nauseous for almost 2 weeks now and I must say it is getting very old.  It is preventing me from applying for jobs and my money problems are starting to make me sad.  I use the word sad, but I don't think it is depressed...It just makes me worry about everything.  I can't mooch off of my boyfriend and parents much longer.  I'm worried about my future and career possibilities.  I was the one that looked down on people who where 2 years out of college and not working or not working full time.  I guess I'm just lost right now and trying to find my place in the world.  But then again...who isn't?

I Am Thankful

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

1.  A wonderful family that loves and supports me.
2.  A loving boyfriend who is there for me when I need him most.
3.  Great friends old and new.
4.  A wonderful & hilarious grandma who is 89 and still kickin!
5.  Two goofy and adorable doggies who are the best of friends although complete opposites.
6.  That I haven't had a migraine since march...knock on wood!
7.  and so much more that just doesn't come to mind right now.

Good Vibes!

I'm very glad to report that my friend is on the road to recovery!  He is with his family and i hope doing very well.  I am doing very well too!  I just wanted to send out some good vibes & love out there to everyone who needs it.  So believe in yourself, be strong, stay determined and carry on!

What a difference some sleep makes!

I know that last night I sounded very angry and upset about my support situation.  That was selfish of me.  I am happy that my cousin is coming to see his friend and supporting him.  I am proud of him for being strong though this situation and hopefully he will learn something in the process.  I think that is all I can hope for in these situations.  So no more anger...just hopefulness and love to send to the world and to my dear friend, M.

Family - love them and ... them!

I'm so happy to be there for my friend even though he is still not conscious.  I'm am so happy for him that he has so much love and support from all of us.  However, I can't help but think of me and how when I told people what was going on with me they seemed indifferent.  Even worse my family...not my mom and dad but aunt, uncle and cousins...barely knew anything was wrong.  This is because we don't trust them with the emotional stuff.  They always seem to blame the persons upbringing or life situations instead of just seeing it as an illness and supporting me.  Even though I have come so far, it still brings me to tears when I think about my cousin traveling for 6 hours to see our friend, when he couldn't spend 6 minutes supporting me in these past 2 1/2 years.  I guess its just something that i'm going to have to live with and get past.  I hope that with time this anger will subside and that when the time comes that I have children, their family will be supportive of them.  In fact, I will make our family be supportive.  I do love my cousins and support them in everything.  They are the brothers I never had and love them for saying stuff like, "Stop being a girl!" even though we are all in our 20's now.  I just don't like the mentality of mental illness that they were raised in.  I know it is ignorance that drives them and know that they are not trying to be hurtful, but either way it still hurts from time to time.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is that you really do have to treat people the way you want to be treated.  I'm going to try and not let my friend feel what I have, or at least feel that way because of me.  Also, I now know who my true friends are.  I'm still waiting patiently for my friend to regain consciousness, so that I can be there for him in ways that few people were there for me.  Take care buddy.  We're all here for you.

The Tables Have Turned

Today I am woken up by my boyfriend coming home from work at 10 am, so immediately I knew something was wrong.  Since he rides his bike to work I thought he had a bad crash but was able to make it home.  Before I could get a good look at him he told me that our friend had tried to commit suicide this morning.  I shot out of bed and got dressed, gathered somethings and headed to the hospital with him.  

Once we got to the hospital I found out more details.  He had sent his friends and family an email this morning at 8 AM.  I now believe that it was auto-sent from his email.  Many of our friends either got to work and read it, read it at home, or got a call from someone.  The first people to get the email rallied and went looking for him.  Figuring that if it was sent at 8AM then there is a good chance he is still alive.  In a personal email to one of his closest friends he mentions a nearby hill so the friends split up and one group searched the hill and another went to his apartment. Before they had to break into his apartment he was found unconscious on the hill.  The friend that found him called 9-1-1 and notified everyone else to which hospital he was being taken too.  

He is currently in the ICU and stable but still not conscious.  Since he was outside for quite some time his core body temperature was low and therefore the drugs that he used to try and end his life are not metabolizing very fast.  The doctors believe that he will be waking up in the next couple of days and where he goes from there we do not know.  

I don't talk about my mental illness with many people, but I did open up to him previously and his family today.  It was head spinning to see things from the other side of the bed.  Although my attempt was not as severe since i never lost consciousness, I feel for him so deeply.  I can remember being at the hospital 2 years ago and going though all this stuff.  I have a greater appreciation for my family and friends. I know that without being forced into at 72 hour psychiatric hold I would not be where I am today.  In fact through this whole process I never once felt shaky about my own mental stability.  I only thought of it when my mom asked me if I was ok with everything that was going on.  I replied, "No...he's in the hospital." and she then said, "no I mean you personally and your mental health."  So in  supporting my friend I realize once again how far I have come and hope that he will be able to get the help he needs too.  I will always be there for him because I know what it feels like to want to end your life and am glad to be alive today and for many many years to come.  

   

Trapped In

When I was depressed...like as low as I could possibly go depressed...I felt like I was trapped in a cage with no escape.  That cage just happened to be my bedroom.  I have been living out and mostly on my own for 8 months now and I can't afford to live.  Well I can't afford to do anything other than buy groceries and pay rent.  I'm trapped in another cage because I can't get a job.  Now instead of my bedroom its my shoebox of an apartment that I pay way too much for.  I don't care where it's located.  All I want to do right now is go home to my parents and work and be able to actually save some money and not be in debt constantly in debt.  Whats the point of moving out if you can't enjoy anything around you.  I'm applying to grad school again but now I'm not sure if its because it is what i want for if its because I can't get a job.  On top of it all my health benefits run out in October and I'm going to be insurance less for 2 months.  Everything in my life is stressing me out.  I need a job that pays at least minimum wage (right now mine doesn't), I need an apartment that isn't so expensive, I need health insurance, but mostly i need to know where my life is going in any aspect.  I feel like i'm sinking again.  I don't think it will ever be quite as low as I've gotten, but I'm definitely feeling it again and I hate this feeling!  I can't seem to get myself out of it.  Thanks for listening to me vent...I'll try not to only write negative comments.      

Crossroads

I do not mean that bad Britney Spears movie, but the fact that I am at a crossroads in my life.  I have made big changes in my life recently.  I moved 400 miles away from home, have gotten 2 jobs and have quit one to pursuit full time in the other, which turned out to be based off commission and i'm not making anything!  Now i'm trying to find a full-time job that will pay me enough to make rent.  I'm not even trying to have a life.  Right now all i do is try and find jobs while i stay in my apartment so that i avoid getting hungry or thirsty while i'm out...that way i don't spend any unnecessary money.  I'm so lost that i'm considering going back to school.  I'm still not sure if thats my path but i'm thinking something near that is.  Oh what do i do?  I hope I can figure it out soon.  

Working in the Real World

I have been enjoying my new home since I moved last January.  However, working 2 part-time jobs and working 6 days a week is wearing on me and my body.  In fact i got so stressed out recently...well in March...that I was hospitalized for a migraine.  It was a good experience because it forced me get a new PCP and neurologist.  I am so grateful for that although the migraine was horrible.  Just 2 days ago, I was offered a full time position at one of my part-time jobs!  WooHoo!!  This has taken so much stress off my shoulders and also enables me to go home and see my family.  Something I haven't been able to do in 3 months!  Everything in the cosmos is aligning!  

The Big Move

So i've been doing GREAT! seriously its been awesome to not feel depressed or overly anxious for the first time in 15 year. I recently moved 500 miles away from home to live with my boyfriend. I was anxious about the whole situation, but i figured thats normal right? I mean there a lot of change with moving in general, let alone living with a guy and having to share a room with him. Maybe this is where my only childisms (OCness) come in. Either way its different for me. So it came as kind of a shock when 1 1/2 weeks into this new and exciting time in my life i start to feel depressed. I know it stems from my minuscule budget. So i live in an exciting place, but i can't really have too much fun because i can't afford it. The other thing is that i miss my family a lot, especially my two doggies. I went to yoga today to try and balance myself out and i think it helped but i'm still not right. Hopefully i can work through this and my zoloft (sertraline) will keep me together. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is really sweet about the whole thing.