Family Troubles

I feel like my world is falling apart on me while I'm growing up and out of it. Since I'm planning on making a big move soon for a job and love, i'm worried about my family. I'm worried that my parents won't make it. My dad is quite by nature, but battles with issues of depression himself that he does not address. My mom takes on the weight of the world since she deals with my health issues and my elderly grandmother. Both don't think each other is there for them, and don't want to talk or address it unless the timing is just right. When is the right time to tell someone you are unhappy in your marriage. I've always been afraid of my parents getting a divorce, because I knew it was a possibility and never wanted it for myself. I didn't want to be torn apart during holidays and be even more detached from my father. I said i would pick one and disown the other. When i was still in school i said i would use them for monetary purposes only, but now that I'm older I'm not sure I can do that. I feel like if the big D happens I would want to disown both of them and meld into my friends family. I hate the feeling and it gives me a heavy heart to hear my parents talk about each other so negatively. I'm caught in the middle and I don't have anyone to talk about it with because it's personal private information that my parents wouldn't appreciate if i share with my friends. Since my friends parents are their friends too. So since i can't tell anyone, i'm choosing to tell the world in this somewhat anonymous way. So if anyone has advice for me during this gray period with my family it would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

After All Is Said and Done

After all the drama of my past post is said and done I feel as though I am stronger. Not that the issues of the past are magically gone or have disappeared, but that i handle them so much better than before. Through all the stress I never thought to hurt myself although I did lash out at others. That is something I'm going to have to work on. It is not fair to those who love me. I can deal with those issues on my own to some extent, but it is always nicer to have someone there holding your hand or rubbing your head. So all in all I'm doing very well. I'm 80% better than i was last year, but I'm still working towards self improvement. My goal at the moment is to forgive those who have wronged me and not hold grudges. It runs in my family and it is up to me to break the cycle. I'm also trying to not be so stubborn which coincides with the grudge thing. I have learned that digging my heels in at times is good and life saving, but I need to let up when people are trying to help. So those are my life lessons for today!

WARNING

So the MIGRAINE MONSTER strikes again! This time it is completely different. I never threw up. I never got overly nauseous. I never lost my comprehension. You might think...great! but now I don't know how to deal with the symptoms I do have. Restless Legs that wake me up at night and keep me up and muscular fatigue. All of which is frustrating and is driving me crazy. My parents can't help and the more they try the more upset i get at them. They just call me a spoiled brat and a martyr. So in response I ignore and dismiss them. And the cycle continues. I just can't deal with their bullshit right now, so I've locked myself in my room and just try and sleep. I'm starting to fear that my depression is coming back, but at least i'm not suicidal...however, my parents think i am. they came in my room and took all my meds out like i'm going to overdose again! don't they realize i've learned my lesson the hard way. Its infuriating because they should know better than to act this way. I know they mean well but talking about how frustrated I am and having to listen to their opinions on the subject don't help it AT ALL! They should know that i come with some baggage and they should just leave me alone!

A Great Reflection Back

photographed by: nicholas max

So i just came across this and thought it was beautiful. It is how we have all felt at some point. Hopefully this is an image we can look back on and see how far we've come and know that we made the right choice not to go through with it. I know I can. I'm very happy i did not do this and am digging myself out! In fact i'm doing very well although i still have far to go.

Empire State of Mind

I have come so far once again. I am now able to do things that I couldn't do a year ago...actually I couldn't even attempt to do it a year ago. I finally planned and executed a trip to New York. I had a list of things i wanted to do but no formal plan and i survived. Yes i did get anxious at times and had some difficulties, but overall it as a success. Both my boyfriend and dad mentioned that it shows a giant step in the right direction. I did all this while taking my 4th GRE test on the morning of my departure for NYC. On top of that, I was working almost everyday the week before and had my boyfriend in town because his aunt was getting a bone marrow transplant. I do realize I was crazy, but thats just the way it worked out. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I haven't felt like that for awhile. Thanks everyone for the support!

& the Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

I know its been a month, and i just wanted to say i'm doing much better than my last post. I've been feeling decent...not great...and taking it one day at a time. I have taken the first step towards concering the GRE! I have started an intensive class and begun to study for it. So wish me good luck!

HELP

Today for the first time in 9 months i felt like hurting myself...thank you mommy. I have felt depressed for days now and have tried to do my best. The people who used to support me have too many of their own problems to deal with and no time for me. As far as dear old mommy goes, i have asked her to leave me alone. I have told her that i am not mad at her. I have closed my door and she just keeps opening it. So i lost it. I yelled at her and threw a rubbermaid storage box at her because she wouldn't leave. She's pist and clueless. Since i've been OK lately, there is no reason to help or listen. I really want an escape and i only know how to do it with my meds. I won't do it...but i really want to.

Partying While Depressed (PWD)

I know partying of any kind it an easy way to escape from the world especially when you are feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Being uncomfortable can't make you feel any more comfortable, however it is probably not a good idea to use alcohol when you're in a vulnerable situation like this. When i feel like this or like i'm sliding, i halt all alcohol use because i figure it will only make my problems worse. i come from a family that are not alcoholics, but definitely knows who to party. So that can even make family situations uncomfortable sometimes. but lucky for me there is no pressure to drink from my family or friends. its just that i don't feel comfortable being in situations like a bar where there is really not much to do except drink and i;m not that comfortable in my own skin to dance. So i like a quieter more intimate environment. Try going out to dinner with a friend or two. Don't have a big group because if you're like me...that scares me. I think thats where the source of this discussion comes from. Being at a party last weekend at my bf's place with many people i don't know, even though one of my best friends, my boyfriend and cousin was there. Just think before you drink. You should always think before you drink...but especially when you're depressed. So think before you PWD!

Quote of the Moment

I thought that was great when I saw it on the inside of a dove chocolate wrapper. I have learned to take a moment when I need it!

First signs of Depression in 6 months

It has been about six months since since I have felt any sign of depression. I have been anxious, but have come to except that as a part of me as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. I have been able to attend parties with the help of my boyfriend and other friends who act as my “wingman.” I’m still not totally comfortable going out on my own. However, last night at a party with my boyfriend, cousin, family friends and good friends I felt myself becoming unhinged. I felt anxious. I felt like I needed a moment to myself. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. When I excused myself quietly to my boyfriends room my friend came in to find me to play a game. I was grateful to her for making me get up, but it still disturbs me. I believe it is because I have been missing a few days of Zoloft doses on accident that I feel this way. I have also been having some crazy dreams which is usually a sign of anti-depressant withdrawal…if that’s the correct word. So I guess all I can do now is be more diligent with my meds and hope the crazy dreams and feelings of depression will subside.