Dealing with Parents

My parents have always been there to support me through everything, school, health issue, basketball, whatever. However, in the process we become dependent on each other and it’s hard for them to know the boundaries. My mom has been my rock through everything, but now that I’m 23 years old she doesn’t know when to back off. She is one of my best friends, but also my worst enemy at times. She just tries to fix things too much and doesn’t listen until people see things her way. This gets very complicated when dealing with depression. Luckily her way isn’t too bad, it’s just not mine. So what I’m trying to say is, I understand how frustrating parents can be, but remember their always there for you (especially if you have a good pair like me). Seeing their kid go through this is hard on them too and we have to remember that, even though it may be tough and tears may be shed in the process.

To Medicate or Not...

Medication in general has been an issue with me for many years! Due to my health history, I have been on some sort of meds since I was 9 months old and have always wished I could be meds free! This became a reality for me in HS, but only lasted one year. I had to return to the daily task of medication. So, since I take meds every single day twice a day I don’t like to take much else, even advil! I have never wanted to take any sort of anti-depressants/anxiety medication thinking I could do it on my own. Usually, that just let me to a dark, lonely hole that was harder to climb out of. This is the second time I have taken meds and this time around, I have come to terms with it much easier! I was still reluctant to do so, so everyday I would do a self evaluation. I would ask myself, “how am I doing on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being black hole depression.” I decided that I would go on meds again and talk to someone if I get to a 7. Well everyday, it would gradually climb and eventually I got to a 7 all on my own. The next day I called my dr., set up an appointment, and soon after started medication.

Since then, I’ve been taking it very diligently and have felt the load lighten. It didn’t cure it, because I still feel lonely and down, but it took the edge off. Emotionally I am more stable. I don’t cry as much or worry about the little things as much. Things still get to me and like I mentioned I still feel only I am just able to explain myself better and see myself in a new light. I hope to be off of this medication and standing solid by February. This gives me a lot of time to confront my fears. The choice to medicate or not is ultimately up to you, but if you've fallen far, i highly suggest it with doctor supervision.

Remember, fighting depression is a process and doesn’t have to happen immediately. It’s best to set realistic goals and if you meet them early that’s fine, and if you don’t that’s fine too! As long as your doing everything you can to get yourself to a better place.

What i've done wrong...

Since this has been an ongoing thing for years, I have had a lot of time to make mistakes, but this also means i've had a lot of time to learn from my mistakes. In the past i have run away from my feelings, just blocking them out until they come pouring out in a tidal wave of tears and anger! I have kept it a secret from my friends and family by isolating them from me in every way which just made me feel more alone. I have put on the "good face" for the world, and I'll tell you something, it's exhausting!!! both mentally and physically. I have disguised my depression with other activities, but there always come a breaking point where it doesn't work anymore. I feel myself using this old standby's still. I drown myself in schoolwork, and have become so good at the "good face" i can even fool myself. Now i am just more aware of it. Another thing I find myself doing is taking all my anger and frustration out on my parents. I realize that i do this because i know they will still love me at the end of the day and i will always have their support. Sometimes when i try to not explode on people i do the opposite and hold everything in which isn't good either. It's all about finding a balance and i think i've been doing pretty good there. Now i tell people how i feel before it gets out of control then i am able to tell them nicely and more clearly. If it gets out of hand i know i have certain people in my life who i can turn to when things are really hard. I am so grateful for that !! It is because of these people that i know one day this will be behind me. Thank you everyone.

Who is lonely girl?

I am a 23 year old who has battled with depression and anxiety since age 13. I would describe myself as an earthy, artist, type A-ish person. I have struggled with my health for as long as I can remember, dealing with epilepsy as a kid and severe migraines to this day. I always thought that was the cause of my depression. Now, years later I realize it isn’t specifically my health but rather my feeling of losing control. When I felt like I was losing control of my body or life my depression kicked in. This happened when I changed my daily medication that I had been on for years, graduating from high school, and the process of graduating from college. Do you sense a pattern? I do! Now, I believe part of this is due to genetics, because there is a strong history of depression in my family, but that is not going to stop me! I am determined to kick my depression for good, and although I expect for it to creep back into my life from time to time, I will know how to deal with it before it gets worse. So…my own written journey begins with minimal whining and as much inspiration & positivity as possible through this rough time.