The Tables Have Turned

Today I am woken up by my boyfriend coming home from work at 10 am, so immediately I knew something was wrong.  Since he rides his bike to work I thought he had a bad crash but was able to make it home.  Before I could get a good look at him he told me that our friend had tried to commit suicide this morning.  I shot out of bed and got dressed, gathered somethings and headed to the hospital with him.  

Once we got to the hospital I found out more details.  He had sent his friends and family an email this morning at 8 AM.  I now believe that it was auto-sent from his email.  Many of our friends either got to work and read it, read it at home, or got a call from someone.  The first people to get the email rallied and went looking for him.  Figuring that if it was sent at 8AM then there is a good chance he is still alive.  In a personal email to one of his closest friends he mentions a nearby hill so the friends split up and one group searched the hill and another went to his apartment. Before they had to break into his apartment he was found unconscious on the hill.  The friend that found him called 9-1-1 and notified everyone else to which hospital he was being taken too.  

He is currently in the ICU and stable but still not conscious.  Since he was outside for quite some time his core body temperature was low and therefore the drugs that he used to try and end his life are not metabolizing very fast.  The doctors believe that he will be waking up in the next couple of days and where he goes from there we do not know.  

I don't talk about my mental illness with many people, but I did open up to him previously and his family today.  It was head spinning to see things from the other side of the bed.  Although my attempt was not as severe since i never lost consciousness, I feel for him so deeply.  I can remember being at the hospital 2 years ago and going though all this stuff.  I have a greater appreciation for my family and friends. I know that without being forced into at 72 hour psychiatric hold I would not be where I am today.  In fact through this whole process I never once felt shaky about my own mental stability.  I only thought of it when my mom asked me if I was ok with everything that was going on.  I replied, "No...he's in the hospital." and she then said, "no I mean you personally and your mental health."  So in  supporting my friend I realize once again how far I have come and hope that he will be able to get the help he needs too.  I will always be there for him because I know what it feels like to want to end your life and am glad to be alive today and for many many years to come.  

   

Trapped In

When I was depressed...like as low as I could possibly go depressed...I felt like I was trapped in a cage with no escape.  That cage just happened to be my bedroom.  I have been living out and mostly on my own for 8 months now and I can't afford to live.  Well I can't afford to do anything other than buy groceries and pay rent.  I'm trapped in another cage because I can't get a job.  Now instead of my bedroom its my shoebox of an apartment that I pay way too much for.  I don't care where it's located.  All I want to do right now is go home to my parents and work and be able to actually save some money and not be in debt constantly in debt.  Whats the point of moving out if you can't enjoy anything around you.  I'm applying to grad school again but now I'm not sure if its because it is what i want for if its because I can't get a job.  On top of it all my health benefits run out in October and I'm going to be insurance less for 2 months.  Everything in my life is stressing me out.  I need a job that pays at least minimum wage (right now mine doesn't), I need an apartment that isn't so expensive, I need health insurance, but mostly i need to know where my life is going in any aspect.  I feel like i'm sinking again.  I don't think it will ever be quite as low as I've gotten, but I'm definitely feeling it again and I hate this feeling!  I can't seem to get myself out of it.  Thanks for listening to me vent...I'll try not to only write negative comments.      

Crossroads

I do not mean that bad Britney Spears movie, but the fact that I am at a crossroads in my life.  I have made big changes in my life recently.  I moved 400 miles away from home, have gotten 2 jobs and have quit one to pursuit full time in the other, which turned out to be based off commission and i'm not making anything!  Now i'm trying to find a full-time job that will pay me enough to make rent.  I'm not even trying to have a life.  Right now all i do is try and find jobs while i stay in my apartment so that i avoid getting hungry or thirsty while i'm out...that way i don't spend any unnecessary money.  I'm so lost that i'm considering going back to school.  I'm still not sure if thats my path but i'm thinking something near that is.  Oh what do i do?  I hope I can figure it out soon.  

Working in the Real World

I have been enjoying my new home since I moved last January.  However, working 2 part-time jobs and working 6 days a week is wearing on me and my body.  In fact i got so stressed out recently...well in March...that I was hospitalized for a migraine.  It was a good experience because it forced me get a new PCP and neurologist.  I am so grateful for that although the migraine was horrible.  Just 2 days ago, I was offered a full time position at one of my part-time jobs!  WooHoo!!  This has taken so much stress off my shoulders and also enables me to go home and see my family.  Something I haven't been able to do in 3 months!  Everything in the cosmos is aligning!  

The Big Move

So i've been doing GREAT! seriously its been awesome to not feel depressed or overly anxious for the first time in 15 year. I recently moved 500 miles away from home to live with my boyfriend. I was anxious about the whole situation, but i figured thats normal right? I mean there a lot of change with moving in general, let alone living with a guy and having to share a room with him. Maybe this is where my only childisms (OCness) come in. Either way its different for me. So it came as kind of a shock when 1 1/2 weeks into this new and exciting time in my life i start to feel depressed. I know it stems from my minuscule budget. So i live in an exciting place, but i can't really have too much fun because i can't afford it. The other thing is that i miss my family a lot, especially my two doggies. I went to yoga today to try and balance myself out and i think it helped but i'm still not right. Hopefully i can work through this and my zoloft (sertraline) will keep me together. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is really sweet about the whole thing.

Family Troubles

I feel like my world is falling apart on me while I'm growing up and out of it. Since I'm planning on making a big move soon for a job and love, i'm worried about my family. I'm worried that my parents won't make it. My dad is quite by nature, but battles with issues of depression himself that he does not address. My mom takes on the weight of the world since she deals with my health issues and my elderly grandmother. Both don't think each other is there for them, and don't want to talk or address it unless the timing is just right. When is the right time to tell someone you are unhappy in your marriage. I've always been afraid of my parents getting a divorce, because I knew it was a possibility and never wanted it for myself. I didn't want to be torn apart during holidays and be even more detached from my father. I said i would pick one and disown the other. When i was still in school i said i would use them for monetary purposes only, but now that I'm older I'm not sure I can do that. I feel like if the big D happens I would want to disown both of them and meld into my friends family. I hate the feeling and it gives me a heavy heart to hear my parents talk about each other so negatively. I'm caught in the middle and I don't have anyone to talk about it with because it's personal private information that my parents wouldn't appreciate if i share with my friends. Since my friends parents are their friends too. So since i can't tell anyone, i'm choosing to tell the world in this somewhat anonymous way. So if anyone has advice for me during this gray period with my family it would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

After All Is Said and Done

After all the drama of my past post is said and done I feel as though I am stronger. Not that the issues of the past are magically gone or have disappeared, but that i handle them so much better than before. Through all the stress I never thought to hurt myself although I did lash out at others. That is something I'm going to have to work on. It is not fair to those who love me. I can deal with those issues on my own to some extent, but it is always nicer to have someone there holding your hand or rubbing your head. So all in all I'm doing very well. I'm 80% better than i was last year, but I'm still working towards self improvement. My goal at the moment is to forgive those who have wronged me and not hold grudges. It runs in my family and it is up to me to break the cycle. I'm also trying to not be so stubborn which coincides with the grudge thing. I have learned that digging my heels in at times is good and life saving, but I need to let up when people are trying to help. So those are my life lessons for today!

WARNING

So the MIGRAINE MONSTER strikes again! This time it is completely different. I never threw up. I never got overly nauseous. I never lost my comprehension. You might think...great! but now I don't know how to deal with the symptoms I do have. Restless Legs that wake me up at night and keep me up and muscular fatigue. All of which is frustrating and is driving me crazy. My parents can't help and the more they try the more upset i get at them. They just call me a spoiled brat and a martyr. So in response I ignore and dismiss them. And the cycle continues. I just can't deal with their bullshit right now, so I've locked myself in my room and just try and sleep. I'm starting to fear that my depression is coming back, but at least i'm not suicidal...however, my parents think i am. they came in my room and took all my meds out like i'm going to overdose again! don't they realize i've learned my lesson the hard way. Its infuriating because they should know better than to act this way. I know they mean well but talking about how frustrated I am and having to listen to their opinions on the subject don't help it AT ALL! They should know that i come with some baggage and they should just leave me alone!

A Great Reflection Back

photographed by: nicholas max

So i just came across this and thought it was beautiful. It is how we have all felt at some point. Hopefully this is an image we can look back on and see how far we've come and know that we made the right choice not to go through with it. I know I can. I'm very happy i did not do this and am digging myself out! In fact i'm doing very well although i still have far to go.

Empire State of Mind

I have come so far once again. I am now able to do things that I couldn't do a year ago...actually I couldn't even attempt to do it a year ago. I finally planned and executed a trip to New York. I had a list of things i wanted to do but no formal plan and i survived. Yes i did get anxious at times and had some difficulties, but overall it as a success. Both my boyfriend and dad mentioned that it shows a giant step in the right direction. I did all this while taking my 4th GRE test on the morning of my departure for NYC. On top of that, I was working almost everyday the week before and had my boyfriend in town because his aunt was getting a bone marrow transplant. I do realize I was crazy, but thats just the way it worked out. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I haven't felt like that for awhile. Thanks everyone for the support!